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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
I’ve written to you my parents’ disapproval my music career.
I’ve gone pro!
I’ve been on podcasts, concerts, song releases, etc.
Funny how my parents, their friends, and family have all changed their tune now that I’m a success.
They’re so proud of me posting about me, bragging about me to everyone.
I wrote and released a holiday song with you in mind, that’s just cynical enough for you to love it, called Silent Nights I Can’t Stand.
Thank you for believing in me!
Your loyal Bard,
Jess Helltrain
Dear Jess,
You better believe the first thing we did was listen to it on SoundCloud!
Mics and jaws were dropped!
I am so happy to hear of your success and wish you even more.
Thank you for keeping us updated on your journey. I hope you are as proud of your music as we are of your write-in.
Keep making music, and remember the main person who has to believe in you is… well... you!
No more silent nights, only song titles!
Your loyal listener,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Free Me From These Apps
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, candle lighters, latke friers, and gelt getters…
We are 15 days out from our move, and we are excited to announce the official release of our Romance or Ruin panel video!
A very special thanks to Jenny, who pointed out that our emails may be getting clipped. If you want to avoid missing out on any part of our newsletter, be sure to hit the button below!
Finally, we are excited to introduce our holiday signup special. Get a year’s worth of benefits and bonus content with just a $60 annual membership! Upgrade offer ends on Dec 26th!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Hey you! Yes, you, {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}!
We need your help!
Megan, Audrey, and I are done with dating apps in the realm of mortals, and so, we’ve turned to the Cosmere to give us our forever afters.
Give it a watch and let us know who you think should be our happily ever after.
Seriously, watch it, it helps support The Valthakan Times!
And check us out at @audonalsium, @thirdchildart, and, of course, dalecsander.com!
Well… we’re in Salt Lake
Daniel’s Next Reread
Obviously, I haven’t entirely broken from the Dragonsteel Nexus mindset.
After attending a lovely Q&A, I had to ask myself: “Did I read this fakakta series?”
Truly, the details that people remember are mindblowing compared to what I have kept up with. So it is time for my reread of The Stormlight Archive.
Hopefully, you’ll join us in The Library Discord for it, but however you decide to inhale Stormlight, please listen to my advice and take notes.
Step into a world with only the barest recollection of its competence, its history lost beneath the crippling weight of apocalyptic Desolations.
Surely, the most mentally unstable people you can think of can save us?
Right?
Roast of the Week: Slow Burns
It’s been a while since we’ve done trope analysis, but that’s okay because the people who tolerate this bullshit love making do with breadcrumbs of attention. So… you’re welcome.
Let’s get into it!
Ah, the slow burn, a time of delicately developing passions, twisted meanings, and thigh-quaking misunderstandings. Except for you, it’s the mental equivalent of the Saw franchise because you need constant reassurance that your friends like you.
“I just want some passion,” you cry. And I understand that, I’m just pointing out that you can have that without feeling like you’re pining to death.
Truly, who has time for this sort of thing? Not you, that’s for sure. Among the laundry you’re putting off folding by reading this, the trash that needs to be taken out, and the floors that need mopping, you expect me to believe the one thing you need in your life is unclear signals? Obstacles to receiving affection? Someone to take it slow?
No.
You haven’t been relaxed since puberty, and you think you can handle psychological warfare of this degree? Babes, why are we lying?
Give me a love bombing lunatic any day; at least I can hear them coming. Meanwhile, you’re here getting aroused by someone who stands about their tavern polishing forks while looking at you out of the corner of their eye. They can either polish this knob or fuck off.
And don’t get me started on the edging this lifestyle takes, the subtle, burning touches, the flushing of necks and cheeks. You lean in for a kiss, finally, finally, and then your mom calls to ask if you’re coming home for Christmas. You’re going to crumple your phone into a ball.
Look, maybe you’re just in it for the delayed gratification, but remember that only works if the target object of your slow burn is as clued in as you are! What’s slow burn to some is a lack of interest to others. I promise you, he isn’t trying to take it slow; you’ve just been sending smoke signals to a guy with his head in the sand. Let him know before it’s too late, and you end up engaged to a slightly less attractive prince of a foreign kingdom… or whatever fantasy you’re using that gasoline-powered friend of yours to assist with.
Pssst. Love our work?
If everyone reading this gave $1, we could keep thriving for 6 months!
And if everyone gave $0.25, Daniel could afford one of those gasoline-powered drawer friends you all love
Dear Crone,
My dad cheated on my mom for their entire marriage.
They’re now divorced. My dad invited me over for a “father-daughter” dinner, but then ambushed me with the woman he was with and her kids.
At the dinner, my dad was a better father to those kids than he ever was to me. I’m 26.
How do I maintain an amicable relationship with the family he’s replacing me with?
Context: he’s only known this family 6 months and prioritized them every time I try to spend time with my dad.
Cavi
Dear Cavi,
Do you want to have an amicable relationship with these people?
You don’t need to surround yourself with these individuals; just because they aren’t responsible for your father’s shitty behavior doesn’t mean you need to tolerate their presence.
If you are going to associate with them, I recommend speaking to a professional and constantly reminding yourself that they aren’t to blame.
Personally, I would just wash my hands of this situation.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My sister keeps flirting with my closest friends.
She always warns them she's not stable and might bounce any day, then she promises something serious, then she breaks their heart and says she warned them, so they can't be crossed.
I tried warning my friends, but they think it's different with them.
I want to nurture my relationship with my sister; she says she wants to be close, but I value honesty above all, and she's hurting my friends with her lies and complicating any social event.
Eldest Sister Turned Unwilling Dating Agency
Dear Eldest,
Just… don’t introduce your friends to her. Or, you can pick the most unstable friend you have and set them up for some gladiorial-esque entertainment.
You can also ask your friends not to tolerate your sister’s advances.
I will say if your friends or your sister wants to be stupid, you’re welcome to let them deal with this car wreck without you getting involved.
Make it clear to your sibling not to do this, and make it clear to your friends not to take her seriously.
The rest is up to them.
Not my circus-ly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
After 9 years in the workforce, I made the decision to sell up, move home, and pursue my dream master’s degree: Library and Information Studies.
I’ve been accepted and enrolled into a great program, but I’m nervous.
I’ve been out of school for so long I’m worried I’m going to fall on my face.
Any advice?
Nervously,
Anxious Higher Ed Dreamer
Dear Anxious,
Maybe you’ll fall on your face.
And so what?
Mistakes are not the problem, so long as you get up and keep trying.
You likely won’t get through your program without any issues, but what matters is how you respond.
You don’t need to know the solution immediately; you just need a desire to pursue it.
You’re going to be amazing, not perfect. And you’re going to get through it, regardless.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I'm in highschool after being in online school for a long time, and I have been making friends (yay,) but everyone thinks me and a friend of mine are dating and don't believe me that we aren't when I tell them it's really annoying and I'm worried it might ruin are friendship
Pls help
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
The only thing that’ll ruin this relationship is continuing to protest at every opportunity that you aren’t dating.
Don’t let it touch you. People’s opinions are genuinely irrelevant. But you’re gonna hurt your friend if you imply that it offends you.
Honestly,
The Crone
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